JACK DANIELS FLATHEAD XIII

Jack Daniels Flathead XIII, the black magical sheep of Flatheadia's most exclusive clan, was a descendant of Jack Daniels Flathead I, but preferred to follow his uncle Zipathormus into the wizarding profession. Given his drunken penchant for turning cheeky servants into kobolds, this was judged by outsiders to have been a favorable idea, as he was then bound by the oaths of the Enchanters' Guild.

The pale Flathead had a round face. While in attendence at magic school he wore a pointy velvet hat with patches near the tip over his touseled, ginger hair.

Jack's family was incredibly rich, his mother flaunted this, wearing apparel such as a tailored linen suit, restrained make-up and enormous gems on her accessories (just the smallest gems would buy the most finest armor in Frostham). Her voice also carried a well-bred accent. The family's primary manservant was Whithers, a faithful family retainer whose ancestors had served the Flathead Dynasty time immorial.

It is not certain which of Zork's fine magical institutions Jack Daniels left his family in Gurth for (either before or during the Great Monster Uprising), but he was determined to be a most powerful wizard. He would have been a full wizard had he not tried to reverse an ancient family curse in his last year at the university. The Dread Kobold of Jearr needed for the rite bit him, and the cursed infection had him bed bound by exam week. The Wizard 8th Form had studied, but the poisonous effects still ached. They weakened his concentration. To assure him of his place in the Enchanters' Guild, he needed the Frobozz Magic Cocoa of Concentration, the kind that Dungeon Master Dalboz had perfected.

Among the rare necessary ingredients was Flatheadia Fudge. Due to the family curse, none of the servants would dare go near Flatheadia's former site. Thus, upon hearing his uncle Zipathormus speaking highly of the investigation skills of a man known as "Detective Softly", they sought him out to recover the fudge. In exchange, he would be richly rewarded. In the meantime, Jack's mother scoured the markets for the remaining ingredients, while Whithers heard of some underground witches who obtained a rather large jar of hotbugs. Because the manservant refused to negotiate with 'scarlet women', when "Softly" returned with the Flatheadia fudge, Jack Daniels sent him to the Antharian Caves to barter for the hotbugs.

While "Softly" was gone, Jack's mother could not find any hungus lard nearby. Thus when the detective returned to Gurth with the hotbugs (Jack used them in the meantime to keep his cottage warm and snug), "Softly" sought to find the unusually pugnant lard. It was not hard to find a hive of Quelbees, but scores of servants and employees returned with hands empty of all by welts. Thus upon receiving the discovered hungus lard in the mail, the Flathead family (after persuading the postman to continue bringing packages with a substantial tip and the last of his brownies) they insisted that "Softly" use some of the extra hungus lard to ward off the swarms of Quelbees in order to access their honey.

When the honey arrived, Jack made a test batch of cocoa. It was not entirely successful, since the only nearby subsitution for Moss of Mareilon was the mossy growth from his bathing room. As a result, the altered cocoa filled his cottage with friendly purple yipples, visible only to himself. While these powers were enjoyable, he had to be there to let the animals out every hour to prevent the cottage from being ruined. As a replacement for Moss of Mareilon, he sought the more common alternative ingredient, Borphean blue-green moss from the great aqueduct pipes of yore. "Softly" was again implored for this task.

The day before "Softly" returned to Gurth with the proper moss, the yipples were thought to have left. As Jack's fraternity planned a party that night, he had the detective as his guest of hour. The proper cocoa was made before the party, allowing Jack to impress his nobel fellow students with numerous clever tricks, and he repeatedly credited "Softly" with saving his career. A delightful dinner followed, as course after course of rare roasts, breads, cheeses, and desserts were catered in, including a jar of rare Quelbee honey. The following morning, Jack's father and mother took him off to the University lodge for the final exams, leaving "Softly" behind to wake up around noon in between two purple yipples. Before leaving, they carefully pinned his reward to his shirt: a precious ruby brooch, appraised by a jeweler at 50,000~150,000 zorkmids (which, due to the zorkmid inflation of that time, was not incredibly substantial).

SOURCE(S): Legends of Zork (game, personal correspondence with author of 'A Wizard and His Cocoa" quest)