THE ZUCCHINI WARS

The Zucchini Wars, also known by historians as the 5th century crisis, is the outcome of the obsession of the Peggleboz frenzy. An awkward schism in the gaming world came to a violent political head in 456 when Gustav was raised, without royal approval, to the governorship of Mareilon Province. He promptly cut all ties with the royal court, announcing his province's secession from the Kingdom of Quendor and the resurrection of the ancient principality. A brief but bloody civil war ended in the execution of Peggleboz and a royal decree from Fzort naming himself as Quendor's Universal One-on-One Peggleboz Speed Champion. By the time news of the disaster reached Bozbo's home province, it was all too clear to the rebel that waging a successful military conflict would prove to be a near impossibility, so the claimant to the throne turned instead to the most powerful weapon in his arsenal for economic warfare, ordering the immediate halt of all zucchini shipments to the capital and the other provinces under Fzort's control.

In response to this outrage, Harmonious sent royal troops into Znurg in 459, ordering seizure of the latest batch of zucchini shipments. It was during this year in which a professor at Galepath University, named Bizboz wrote a lengthy pamphlet entitled “On the Evil of the Zucchini Plant,” a work not well remembered for its insightful intellectual content, but important nevertheless in that it firmly establishes Bizboz’s place right at the center of the Zucchini Controversy. In fact, it has often been suggested that Bizboz’s unquenchable hatred of zucchini led him to direct his first tentative magical experiments towards the unfortunate plant, experiments that supposedly culminated in the horrible zucchini blights of the 460s and 470s. Regardless, the zucchini crop for the next four seasons, from 460 to 463, were ruined by a blight in Bozbar and Vriminax.

In 464, this famine led Quendor to increase shipments of zucchini to those provinces at the expense of the coastal regions. By 465 Mareilon marched against Frobozz to force the freeing of the zucchini route through Znurg to the coast. Harmonious ordered the Galepath militia to provide reinforcements, but Galepath refused to respond. Unbeknown to Harmonious, but the entire city of Galepath was infested by a rebellion of yipples much larger and more powerful than those described in the Sorcerer packaging. (see the entry 'Yipple Rebellion' for more detailed information)

Znurg marched on Quendor in 468 GUE, in order to seize the last remaining zucchini fields. By 470, every non-coastal province was seized by Znurg, before facing military stalemate with the coastal provinces. In attempt to thwart this standstill, Znurg withheld zucchini shipments to the coast. The zucchini blight spread over the next two years (471-2), destroying the last of Quendor’s crop. The devastating famine that resulted in the east led Fzort to summon a final offensive against the western provinces in 472.

The Zucchini Wars were in a position of continued military stalemate for almost two years (473-4). The population did not sit still with the famine coupled with the oppression. Along with the blights, riots rained devastation upon the stability of the coastal provinces. Desperate for zucchinis to save his people, Harmonious reluctantly agreed to negotiations in exchange for needed shipments. All those involved were to meet at Znurg the following year.

By 474 GUE, the entire countryside was in a state of exhaustion and collapse. The population losses inflicted by the ongoing famine must have been devastating indeed, particularly to massive coastal cities like Galepath that were completely dependent on exports to feed their population. City and provincial records in Bozbar, the region that had suffered longest throughout the entire affair, record a population drop of an astounding 70% in just under ten years. This pathetic state of affairs was in clear evidence throughout the entire duration of the conference at Znurg. Eyewitness reports note that no provincial delegate had brought with him a retinue of any significant size, the entire conference guarded by a mere half-dozen members of the local militia. The king himself, leaving the security of Largoneth for the first time during the length of the war, came accompanied only by two personal bodyguards, himself having traveled the distance to Znurg on the back of a scraggly and ill-fed pack mule. Despite the sense of urgency produced by the impact of the continuing famine, the proceedings of the peace conference rapidly degenerated into near anarchy as terms were dictated against Harmonious. The delegates sent to represent the rebel provinces, clearly feeling that they held the upper hand, retreated into a series of private meetings to decide upon their demands. When they emerged from seclusion nearly a week later, the impatient Harmonious and his fellow delegates were ready to accept nearly anything. The result was the immediate ratification of the Peggleboz Declaration, the bulk of which is reprinted below.

A Declaration

by the Representatives of the Free and Unconquered Provinces of

Quendor, Assembled in Congress at Znurg, 16 Augur 473.

We the Frobbers of the United Provinces of Quendor don't even think the following things are really worth mentioning: that all zucchinis are created equal, that they are endowed by the Implementors with certain inalienable rights, and that among these rights are life, liberty, and the possibility of being eaten in any province they damn well please. That, to frobnicate these rights, governments are instituted among men, deriving their just powers from the Great Brogmoid and the longest sword they can get their hands on; that, whenever any form of government becomes destructive of these ends and attempts to unify the powers of peggleboz and state, it is the right of the people to alter or to abolish it, and to go home as soon as they can.

It is clear from the sarcastic terseness of the declaration that the assembly was already heartily sick of the long war and its unexpected side effects, but they were nevertheless holding true to two chief ideas, the first being that the royal government had no right to dictate zucchini trade routes to the outlying provinces, and the second being that the newly realized Peggleboz League would remain separate and distinct, constituting an authority to which the royal crown could lay no claim. Bozbo was declared heir apparent while Fzort was to pay reparations to all devastated provinces. On Jam 5th, the Treaty of Znurg was signed, which finally ended the Zucchini Wars. Harmonious on his part spent the next three years adhering to these principles in embarrassed and defeated silence, finally passing away unmourned some time in late 477. Whether or not Bizboz himself can be held accountable for the horrible famines that spread with the death of the zucchini harvests, it is clear that he and his circle, especially Dinbar and Peggleboz, were key players in the events that historians have come to describe as the 5th Century Crisis.