 Totemizer, 1067 GUE
Full-View (pana) (A) / (B) Full-View (hi-res) (A) / (B) / (C) Main Controls (A) / (B) Destination Controls PermaSeal Other Controls Diagram In operation (A) / (B) (1037 GUE) Brog Enters Totemizer (1037 GUE) Into the Totemizer: Entrance Ramp Step1: Poundization Step2: Squishization (A) / (B) Step3: Stampization Step4: Permasealization (A) / (B) / (C) Output Ramps |
Upon returning to his homeland, Duncanthrax found that the “Weird Stuff” of Bizboz’s writings had spread like a cancer during his absence with mixed results. Many of his subjects had taken to the liberal use of scrolls, potions, and powders for everyday needs. These unskilled sorcerers were inadvertently wreaking havoc on the land. Other charlatans, claiming to have created magical potions and powders, regularly fooled the gullible population into buying potions which claimed to do such things as “reverse hair loss” and “draw Trebled Fromps in Double Fanucci.” There were many appeals to public ignorance. Something had to be done. As a response to widespread magical charlatanism, Duncanthrax the Bellicose wrote and passed the Unnatural Acts on 9 Dismembur 672 GUE, which put heavy restraints on the unauthorized use of magic and outlawing the sale of “Unnatural or Supernatural substances.” There were severe penalties for anyone convicted of selling the contraband. To carry out punishments for the abuse of magic, a diabolical machine was designed to imprison those found guilty in small, metal cases known as totems. It was dubbed the Totemizer machine.
The totemizer was truly a hideous machine, like a giant meat grinder, with spikes and spokes and five bloits of copper tubing, wrapped around and around. Though the effect of this monstrous device was not lethal, it was forcibly anti-magical; that is, only this device could physically "Un-Name" magical creatures by separating magical essence from physical matter. A Nameless creature was powerless, and thus the given magic of any being was rendered useless.
After the days of Duncanthrax, the massive, misshapen machine was unused for centuries until Undersecratary Wartle, a minion of Mir Yannick, uncovered the machine in 1033. Mir rose to the rank of Senior Executive Maniacal Zealot after demonstrating the machine’s effectiveness on his supervisor. This machine was augmented by Frobozz Electric and became known as their most infamous products.
During 1037, when a certain griff (who would later play a role in returning magic to Zork) was about to be sentenced totemization, a brogmoid named Brog attempted to save the creature by ripping a massive iron tube off the side of the totemizer. This rescue mission was a failure; the griff was totemized and Brog soon after. Lucy Flathead was also another unfortunate victim of the totemization process.
In 1067, a power outtage caused by the breakage of a portion of Flood Control Dam #3 disrupted the energy supply to the Steppinthrax Monastery where the totemizer was currently located, thus preventing a large portion of the local Foozle population from being totemized, including the legendary Antharia Jack. By the evening, an alternative power source was provided ("like building treadmills at the local orphanage") and the machine was restored to functionality. Before the totemization process could again commence, Yannick was defeated and the Second Inquisition put to an end. While most of the totemization victims were freed with the dawn of the Second Age of Magic, the fate of the totemizer machine is unknown; it is possible that it too was dismantled or destroyed.
TOTEMIZATION PROCESS
The subject waiting to be totemized was required to take a ticket and wait in line until their number was called. While the sentence was pending, each subject was required to sign a formal confession stating that they willingly agreed to be eternally bound and Totemized, and they violated the laws and/or pointed suggestion of the Inquisition, etc. Once inside the totemizer, the machine operated in the following manner to ensure totemization:
- Step1: Poundization
- Step2: Squishization (squishing wrests natural, unnatural, and supernatural, inclinations from subject)
- Step3: Stampization (stamping achieves desirable Inquisition aesthetic)
- Step4: Permasealization (permasealing insurances permanence of Totemization. If PermaSeal is turned off, the subject will be returned to normal size once passage through the machine is complete.)
- Once the process was completed, the totemized victim was directed towards one of five destinations: The Hall of Inquisition in the Steppinthrax Monastery where famous victims were put on display; a rocket to the surface of Murz where they spent eternity gazing at the scenic vista; those sent to Newark were never heard of again; those sent "to Infinity" found themselves drifting amongst the cosmos, although many were sucked in by the S.S. Feinstein's tractor beam; those sent "Straight to Hell" which was just within the gates of Hades, were tortured.
OTHER INFO
Totemizer is a registered trademark.
"Poundization" is a Totemizer trademark of Frobozz Electric, Frobozz Electric Patent No. 59980
The continuously updated "Totemized Daily Billboard" was posted outside of the Steppinthrax Monastery for the duration of the totemizing.