 Troops Entering Port Foozle, 1067 Stand-off at Enchanters' Guild: (A) / (B) / (C) / (D) / (E) Destruction of Magic Contraband: (A) / (B) / (C) / (D) Destruction of Inquizivision (A) / (B) Inquisitor [GMU] (A) / (higher-res) |
The Second Inquisition, which shook the entire surface of Zork during the mid-eleventh century, began in the 960s with the questions: What is magic? Is it a business? Is it a philosophy? A religion? A source of power or equilibrium? Is it to be disturbed or balanced? The sharp-tongued Mir Yannick did not have the Gift. It is commonly held that those who cannot practice magic cannot understand the practice of magic, either; whether or not this is so, it is true that Mir seemed a bit literal in his interpretation of the Higher Lessonry of Thaumaturgy—a bit forced of hand in Basic Enchanting—and certainly, his sneering, bottom line orientation towards the whole business of magic did not win him any favors with the faculty. Over time, his failure at performing in the arts formed in him a bitter hatred against all workings of magic. Mir was one who was not remorseful when the First Age of Magic passed away in 966 GUE.
During the beginning of the eleventh century (c. 1000~1033 GUE), Mir understood that if magic was, indeed, finally going away, in its departure lay a real opportunity to persecute those who had once enjoyed such power. He could finally wreak revenge on all who had ever practiced the Thaumaturgical arts. He would not be satisfied until he saw to it that all of his one-time classmates were confined in the dark recesses of Steppinthrax Dungeon. When Mir called for a good old-fashioned inquisition, the Grand Inquisitor refused to listen to him. Mir was disgusted. For he knew that if he had been the Grand Inquisitor, he would champion the death of magic…
It was not until Mir heard the confession of convicted criminal embezzler Undersecretary Wartle, the Undersecretary to the Undersecretary to the Secretary of the Zork Patents Office, during the Archbishop’s sojourn in the wonderfully horrid White-Collar Confessions Ministry, that he knew how his destiny should unfold. After handing out a number of Hail Yoruks, Mir opened the confessional and offered an alternative rehabilitative plan: he would use his influence with the Grand Inquisitor to demand a full pardon from Syovar III, if Wartle would begin altering a few patents for unique Zork technologies, here and there, transferring them into Mir’s possession, as only a partially reformed patents embezzler knew how. Mir became certain that his rise to power and fortune—not to mention his vengeance upon magic—would lie with technology. Though popular sentiment had long held that technology was for “stupid people”—inferior people who had no magic to them—in the new, anti-magical economy, technology would become invaluable. A new magic, belonging exclusively to Archbishop Mir himself.
Wartle, who had always been spineless, fell under the spell of the Archbishop’s ambition immediately, and by 1047 GUE, when Mir would succeed to the High Office of Grand Inquisitor himself, he possessed the patent to every known piece of registered, trademarked, and patented technology in the Great Underground Empire. He even went so far as to resurrect the famed, abandoned Frobozz Magic Company as the Frobozz Electric Company. The Steppinthrax Monastery would become both the headquarters of the Electric Company. And in this manner, the seeds of the Inquisition fell from his barren hand…
The summary of Mir's plan, which survives to our researchers on an old propaganda recording (c. 1067 GUE) remainded the same from the beginning:
“A
proclamation for the betterment of society (and the worsement,
diminishment and
in plain fact - ceasement of magic) To our most loyal citizenry of our
once
largely peaceable and only rather recently corrupted township of Port
Foozle
which is to say our persons of only the most excruciatingly and
agreeably
subservient natures, highly-evolved moral sensibilities, finely-tuned
mental
capabilities, the philosophically complex, the ethically subtle or,
alternately,
THE BLINDLY OBEDIENT!
“Let
it be known throughout our land from the Westlands east to the
Eastlands west
and all of the good spots in the middle, any persons found, alleged,
remembered, or known to be practicing magic of any variety, degree,
nature,
intention or color or other arts supernatural, metaphysical, cerebral,
alchemical, performance, pretentious, and otherwise, will not be
funded,
tolerated, respected, invited to parties and celebrations, inclusive of
but not
restricted to curse day and otherwise, will in plain fact, and with
clear
conscience, be humiliated, intimidated, persecuted, incarcerated,
fined, tried,
tortured (if time permits) and will be totemized along with anyone they
have
ever met. (which is, frankly, a very bad thing. Perhaps the worst of
all
possible things. In a hypothetical universe composed entirely of good
and bad
things, this would be very nearly the bottom in the list of desirable
ones.)
“There
is no magic in Zork. There will never again be magic in Zork. Until
those who
would dare attempt to restore the black arts have been contained (which
is to
say, destroyed: to wit, see above) Port Foozle is here by, from this
day on and
from this day back, ordered to obey, in view of a penalty of
totemization, a
strict curfew of sundown, by order of The Magic Inquisition as dictated
by our
High Holiness, The Pontiff of Pleasure, The Friar of Fire, The Minister
of The
Sinister, The Pastor of Disaster, The Higher Power Himself, The Grand
Inquisitor of Zork. By your command!
“What
are the twelve hundred steps to self-containment in the Post Magical
Age? Obey! Conform! Abstain! Ignore! Deny! Repress! Restrain! Brible!
Curb! Reduce! Repeat! Inform! Shun! Tell us! Tell us everything! Avoid
fliratation! Avoid libation! Floss regulary! Save often! Walk briskly!
Step lively! Think happy thoughts!"
And again, in an excerpt from his charismatic speech at the Flathead Mesa (1067 GUE):
“Oh
People of the Great Underground Empire, your Wizards and Enchanters,
your
Conjurers and your Charmers, have held you for so long in their sway
with the
blasphemous, black powers of magic long enough. They wielded their
magic, good
comrades, because you did not. Their power was your powerlessness. They
knew no
law. They respected no persons. They held order and government in
contempt. In
short, they turned your empire into fudge, not because they craved
fudge, but
simply because they could, and you could not. This is the economy of
magic.
This is the ugly history of our great empire. This is how the Great
Magic
Uprising came to happen.
“And what have we learned in the hundred years since
the
waning of magic? What are the twelve Hundred Steps to Self-Contentment
in a
post-magical age? We Obey the Inquisition! We Conform to the Handbook!
We
uphold and invest in the highest platform of the reigning technology!
We
celebrate the machine, and the liberation from the tyranny of wizardry.
We
abstain from flights of fantasy, imagination, and invention other that
appropriately patented according to the governances of current code!
But there
were few precepts I knew to be more true than those soon espoused in
the
Inquisition Handbook. I knew that two twin powers would drive our great
empire
forward. The power of the people to control themselves - and the power
of the
party, the movement, the Inquisition - to control them.
“Obey! Conform! Abstain! Ignore! Deny! Betray! Refrain! Cease! Appease! Shun! Shun magic and shun the appearance of magic! Shun everything -- And then shun shunning! Avoid new sensation! Avoid old sensation! Avoid any sensation! Avoid unnecessary pleasantries! Avoid necessary pleasantries! Avoid flirtation! Avoid libation! Avoid fermentation! Avoid all of these in combinations. Save often! Floss regularly! Floss meaningfully. Floss athletically. And above all, never forget, who is the boss of you? Me! I am the boss of you. I am the boss of you!”
Unfortunately, starting in 1037 GUE the Inquisition proved dastardly for many races of magic, halfling-magic, or barely-magic creatures that lived in Zork. Inquisition troops, known as the Inquisition Riders, canvassed the land, hunting down trolls, orcs, nymphs, sprites and so forth.
Mir Yannick rose to the position of Vice President of Unreasoning Zeal in 1046 GUE, second only to the Grand Inquisitor himself. During a private conference with Yannick, the Inquisitor accidentally hit himself repeatedly over the head with a blunt instrument until he died (at least that was the report given by Yannick). Other reports of the Grand Inquisitor’s death include having eaten a rather lethally rancid platypus pot pie. Mir claimed to have been in sorrow for many days because of the “unfortunate demise.”
Already Yannick had parlayed his position as the head of the mega-conglomerate Frobozz Electric to rule the land like a fascist regime. Because Frobozz Electric owned all patented technology in the land, as long as the Inquisition could keep magic from the people, he could rule the populace as he pleased. But the rumors of supernatural sightings and the return of magic were talked about with increasing clamor by the populace. Fearing that a magic rebellion would grow from the people, the Grand Inquisitor grew more nervous by the day. In response, he tightened his stranglehold, fattening the citizens with further anti-magic propaganda and encouraging them to take more excessive actions against it.
As the oppression against magic became more devastating, the Enchanter’s Guild formed a coalition against the Inquisition, which ended in a standoff. The week prior to Frobuary 34th, 1067 GUE, the standoff ended peacefully when the Enchanters were freed from themselves by caring Inquisition Troops. Concerned citizens everywhere searched high and low for hidden scrolls and magic contraband, voluntarily purging themselves of the worst excesses of the Magic Revolution.
When Port Foozle was liberated on the thirty-fourth of Frobuary, 1067 GUE, the Inquisition claimed that the magic wars were finally over. “Shun magic and shun the appearance of magic! Shun everything - and then shun shunning!” said the Grand Inquisitor from atop Flathead Mesa, where the grateful masses thronged to welcome Inquisition Troops to newly-occupied Port Foozle. A region-wide evening curfew initiated by the Grand Inquisition.
“Attention
residents of Port Foozle. By order of the grand inquisitor, master of
technologies, useful and otherwise, High Lord of all that he wants and
then
some, Leader of the campaign against all horrid sorts of magic the
evening
curfew is now in effect.
“The
Township of Port Foozle is an occupied Inquisition Outpost. No citizen
over or
under the age of eighteen may appear on or in the streets after curfew
is in
progress. Violators of Inquisition Curfew may be intimidated,
incarcerated,
lacerated and/or masticated, if time permits and the weather is fine.
“Further
violators of curfew may be totemized, which is unspeakably painful and
altogether irreversible, except for in certain cases including but not
limited
to those at the correctly played end of this game.
“Further
violators of curfew will be threatened with smiting and then smitten.
Once
smote, further smitation and subsequent resmitation will commence until
the
smitee is deemed sufficiently smit by the smiter.
“Enjoy your stay in Occupied Port Foozle. This message was brought to you by Frobozz Electric: We are the Boss of You!”
“Just a reminder: All Foozle households must be equipped with a standard Inquisition loudspeaker as per standard Inquisition requirements, blaring standard Inquisition propaganda at all times, which is standard. Failure to comply will result in standard Inquisition consequences, which is to say, YOU WILL BE TOTEMIZED!”
On the same day that Port Foozle was liberated, the imposter Third Dungeon Master read a brief but impassioned statement in support of the transitional Inquisition government, before he “accepted the Inquisition’s generous offer of a permanent vacation” in prison. This was off course not true, as the Dungeon Master had been defeated for quite some time, but it prevented Mir Yannick from having to upkeep the pseudo-Dalboz and risk the discovery of the false identity. Although rumors that the Dungeon Master was leading a Magic Resistance abounded, the Inquisition assured the populace that these were entirely false.
In addition to the occupation of Port Foozle, the Grand Inquisitor had completed his technological wonder, a powerful mind-control device in the form of the Inquisition Cable Network, Inquizivision, which he planned to broadcast from atop Flathead Mesa and use to broaden and enlighten the minds of citizens across the countryside. This super-plan would tighten his grip on the minds of the Quendorans so painfully, that he believed it might never be reversed. With Inquizivision, non-stop twenty-four-hours-aday Inquisition programming would brainwash the already mind-numbed, dogma-fed population until their brains would become useless mush. He planned to unleash this powerful device on the following day.
But his plans were thwarted when moments before his unleashing of Inquizivision, an adventurer by the name of AFGNCAAP had successfully collected the Skull of Yoruk, a certain Cube of Foundation, and the Coconut of Quendor and bound their energies together on Mesa's radio tower with the MAXOV spell. When Yannick reached the tower, he smiled to see the Coconut of Quendor and approached it. He strained to pull it out of the antenna’s compartment. As he did so, a blast of powerful magic hit the top of the antenna. The resultant blast threw AFGNCAAP, the totems, and the Grand Inquisitor from the tower while sending a shockwave of magic across the land. The burst of magic diffused all of Yannick’s technology—the monitors and the rest of his Inquisivision system, and even the Grand Inquisitor “I am the boss of you” posters supernaturally altered to “Queen Lucy the Levelheaded.” Jack and Lucy confessed their love to one another.
With magic returned and the Grand Inquisitor's tyranny ended, Lucy Flathead declared herself the rightful heir to the throne. Her first act was to declare the Great Underground Empire open and magic free to all those who desired it. Her second was to name the unknown PermaSuck salesperson as Dalboz's successor, the Fourth Dungeon Master of Zork. Her third act was to privately explain time travel to Jack. Thus ended the Age of Science and the Second Inquisition.
However, the spirit of the Inquisition did not fade. For during the time of the Great Monster Uprising of the Second Age of Magic, many remnant Inquisitors roamed the world.
OTHER INFORMATION:
The Inquisition had its own court system.
None of the oppressed citizens had any rights at all.
The Grand Inquisitor promised his person guards a benefits package including a standard stock options package, 401K, profit sharing (but they would not be fully vested for several months).
Grand Inquisition Edict 1022321:
"Lanterns have been banned. All persons violating this edict in or about Fort Foozle will be totemized!"